so, we're in Tennessee now. We're on our own, almost completely, and I start the only job I actually applied to Friday. I always feel guilty about "slacking off" compared to the way that other people function, but it always seems to work out fine. I choose to believe that its because I appropriately THANK GOD ON HANDS AND KNEES every time it does. I am really glad that A) its the company that I wanted to work for and B)we didn't have to ask any of our family members for money. Jon's family thinks I'm a loser and that its all my fault when we have to (because he always leaves out the fact that we'd never NEED to ask for help if he didn't spend $120/month on weed) anyway. And my dad has more than enough kids who ARENT grown ass adults to pay for at the time being anyway.
We're engaged and if I work really hard and play MY cards right, I can be married by the end of the summer. We've got these pretty, but cheap wal-mart rings, and we already wear the bands because the engagement ring fell to shit, and I agreed that jon could wear his band since I wanted to wear mine.
But you know what? I want to give the ring back. I mean he goes around calling me his "fiance" and "Wife" but he didn't even really propose. He wasn't even making eye contact when it happened, we were watching some show or something and he said "Hey baby, you wanna get married?" I got way too excited, agreed, said he had to get me ANY ring(basically) and then decided that was it: I was engaged. And then we settled on some cheap rings, AND MINE ARE BOTH ALREADY BROKEN!
And I keep thinking: he is not nearly excited about the idea of a wedding as I am. And every time we get a little tipsy and have a disagreement, he says something along the lines of not even knowing if he wants to be with me. Last time he goes "I KNEW I shouldn't have moved back in with you, and this is what I get for going against my better judgement!" and then drove off, fucking wasted, which was goddamn mature. I was just all "Really? Four years later, and you're still an emotional teenage girl?" The fight being about how I don't wait to walk SLOW AS FUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER through the entire length of the wal-mart parking lot with him. And how it hurts his feelings when I just walk off in the middle of the store when he talks in circles about what we're going to buy when it was already decided BEFORE he started acting like a character out of Hitchiker's Guide.
His overtly emotional responses are more about my trying to help him grow up than any distaste he might have for my personality. He's always been the adult in his previous relationships and resents being made to feel childish. But insists on continuing to ACT like a child, because the alternative is growing up and he just doesnt "feel like it." He spends all this time talking about how he realizes he hasnt gotten SHIT done in the years since he started smoking weed. And then being generally irritated when he cant find weed, and then smoking weed and being fucking useless. He feels that since he has a day job he's "doing his part" and shouldn't be expected to do any more. And that he deserves a pat on the back when he DOES get anything done, when he's high.
I drink far too much to complain about anyone trying to take any edge off, but I am trying to get my shit together here. I'm not doing a magnificent job or anything, one step at a time, but I am trying to make myself PROUD of myself. I want to achieve all the things I know I'm capable of. And I want my chosen partner to be capable of the same things. He barely reads, he doesn't work out, he smokes tons of weed, and just. I know people go through phases of their relationships where they fall in-and-out of love, but I'm trying my best not to hate him right now. We're on the other side of the country, and I'm trying to change, but he had no problem bringing all his problems with him.
And it'd be okay if I could TELL him how I feel, but anytime I say anything that even remotely makes him THINK about HIMSELF he freaks out, gets defensive, runs off, and questions our relationship. Which is starting to make me depressed. Last time he even fucking hit me in the face. Open palm or close, doesn't fucking matter, I'm not going to let myself get depressed again because he doesn't know how to handle HIS emotions.
So first: I've got to stop drinking. I cut out hard liquor months ago, and have done a great job with that, and good for me. But I've got to get this monkey off my back, and fill my days with substances that have substance. Like meditation, and studying my Pharmacy Technician Manual.
Then: I want to give back the ring. My mom was right: why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. But you know what? Milk is fucking bad for you, and I make his goddamn life worth living. If he really doesnt want to be with me, than I'll make it easier for him to distance himself. And if things don't work out, I can move on with my life, guilt free, and do my best to make my dreams come true on my own.
I just feel like the proposal, and the cheap ring were to keep me short term happy. But when it came to the actual wedding he's been nonchalant at best, and down right dismissive of the whole thing at worst. If I'M not what makes him happy, than being with me in the long run wont make him happy either. And we'll just end up being miserable together. If we end up going through with the wedding, he doesn't have the personal conviction necessary to admit to himself if he was unhappy, and would just spend the rest of his life blaming himself if he didnt feel like it was working out.
A few months ago he said he'd be happier if I just gave him the wheel and MADE him drive every once in a while. Well this is kind of the most important decision of our lives, and I've already made it clear where I stand. I'm going to put this decision back in his hands, and give him the chance to grow up or shut up. He's been living in la-la land, and I've just been enabling it, and then bitching about how I'm the only adult. It's time to just be accountable for myself, and then let him either live up to his potential, or become another one of the people who refused to where all talk and no walk.
The problem is that he'll be the one it would break my heart the most to leave, but,....I cant hold myself back for people who refuse to move forward. That doesn't help anyone, and only hurts everyone.
I just really hope he's the person I always thought he was.